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Tuesday, February 16, 2010 I wonder if you still remember sometimes, because I still do. Waking up some mornings to the thought of you and I wonder why I still can't forget. I'm alone now and that's okay, but sometimes I really want to know if you still think of me. I guess I really shouldn't expect too much, you've probably stopped thinking of me the moment I stopped talking to you. This was the reason why I stopped anyway, because you never thought about me first. I was always the last thing on your mind, wasn't I? Or at least, that's how I felt. No matter how many times I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, no matter how many times I tried to brush away that feeling of being abandoned by you, no matter how many times I lied to myself and tried to say that it's just how you are, it wouldn't change. Maybe right now the prospect of hanging out again may not seem so bleak anymore, but I know I can't revert back to those days. Even if we could, even if you would forgive me, would it be the right thing to do? Would it be okay for me to hang out with someone like you? It seems that you never took my words seriously, because without me around to hold you back, you've let go of yourself. That is how it feels in any case. I wonder if you smoke now, if you do drugs now, if you've already done it now. Have you? I was hoping that maybe you'd feel my absence, but I don't think you do. Did they leave you like I did? I don't think so. I guess, you may hate me now. The thought of that actually makes me wince. I may make you out like a bad person sometimes, but that's only to remind myself of the reason why we're not talking anymore. So that I don't try to do something stupid to hurt you again. In any case, I wonder if I've posted something like this before. I feel really sorry inside. For hurting you, not once, but twice. I want to apologize to you, but the words won't come out. I... don't have that courage to say those two words. To tell them to you through this medium, it is far too insincere. Or is any kind of medium alright for you? Then again, you probably erased me entirely. You probably don't look back anymore. I shouldn't look back, because with the light shining from behind me (or technically, in front of me), it makes it seem like those days together wasn't so bad after all, but they were. For me, they were. My emotions, my feelings toward everything, they still feel really odd. I can't figure out exactly what I feel about this. I'm a little lost when I think about you, because I still miss you. Washing my face and looking at myself in the mirror, I keep thinking of you. Did I fall into something more than friendship? Is that the reason why I'm so hung up on this? Or am I just mistaking this as something more than it simply was? I do that really often. But I need to remember that we were and still are worlds apart. You have your oblivion and my future is one that is hopefully full of sunshine, rainbows and a really hot husband (like preferrably a Korean male idol whom I like). We have nothing in common. I need to remind myself of that. You are better off with people who won't hold you back. You'll be happier this way. And likewise, I will be happier with people whom I don't have to worry over. Did you even know? That I worried? That I was afraid I would lose you someday to drugs, lies, deception, avarice, many, many things? Were you even mildly aware? Do you know that even though we're apart now, I still hope that you won't do this things, that the words I said would have impact on you, because I still love you? (But I guess you must be thinking that this is a dishonest love and I must agree, because no love would be selfish like this. If I really loved you, I shouldn't have left you because you were hurting me. I should have stayed. I really should have.) So I don't know what this is and I'm mixed up again. Did I really make the right decision? I can't remember the pain anymore, so I guess it wasn't as harsh as I thought it was. If it was, I would still remember right? To be honest, it's been a while since I've felt that kind of pain. From before it was that old fucker, he hurt my mom and my sisters a lot and thus in turn, hurt me. Then I felt a strange sort of hurt from you, although I guess I was just being too needy, too clingy, I should actually be thankful that you even stayed with me without leaving me first. I somewhat feel like a masochist. I like this hurt you give me. Like I said, I'm all confused again. Am I still hurting and do I want that hurt back? I don't know what is going on and once again, you're screwing with my mind (or am I just screwing with myself?). When it comes to you, there are always so many questions. I guess, this feeling in my chest, in my heart, I love you. Maybe more than I really should. I don't know anymore. Fuck sexuality and gender. I feel like I just betrayed you ten times over again. I miss you and I think I love you. This is so bizarre I can't even begin to comprehend. Maybe it's just my mood. I really, really don't know what to think anymore. I might be able to gather more sense tomorrow. Please, just get out of my heart again. Tear it apart so I don't have to feel anymore. (What was the point of this post again? I forgot. You screwed with my mind too much. You have that strong kind of effect on me, even until now.) ★, Julle 주월 3:55 AM
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