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Saturday, December 19, 2009 I guess I must be in the rebellious stage right now, because whatever my mother says just pisses me off so badly all the time right now. I would like to be a nice, obedient daughter, but it is so hard when you just keep nagging at me. About the most stupid things ever too. Is it so hard for you to live when my room is messy? I honestly don't understand why the hell you have to pick at my room all the time when it isn't even that messy. Obviously you have no grasp on what messy can truly be, because I can show you if I want to. My room isn't even dirty! Just because I have a few cables around on my table, plastic bags and other random stuff on my table, that makes it messy? What the fuck is wrong with you? Really, if it bothers you that much then try and clean it up! I really want to point out a quote that I read before, "If a cluttered desk is a cluttered mind, what then of an empty desk?" So what if I have random things on my table that don't really matter? It just means my thoughts are random. So what if I can't keep my room spotlessly clean all the time? Why the fuck is that your problem and why the fuck do you have to keep pointing it out? And always the same fucking thing- "You keep using your computer throughout the whole holiday, didn't even clean your room! Every time after tuition just come home and use the computer!" Well, what the fuck have you been doing during my holiday? From the moment I said I needed a new study chair until now, what the fuck have you done to buy me a new one? Sure, you spoke about it a few times and went out to check things out, went to try and get the chair that the designer recommended, then after that? What the fuck did you do?! I'm still straining myself on the same chair day after day. My back is so fucking sore now. Sure, you can say, then stop sitting at the computer the whole day, but then what the fuck can I do? For your information, I have not been glued to this chair the whole holiday. If you noticed, I went swimming a bunch of times this holiday and I've been out shopping with you a bunch of times too. I've been accompanying Oppa wherever Jean brings the both of us. I can safely tell you, even though I spent an almost indecent amount of time on the computer, I have not been here the whole holiday. You can't fucking complain that I don't go out either, because you don't fucking let me! "Stay at home and watch the maid and those workers." This is proof that you are the one who is keeping me at home. Plus, your daughter doesn't have any friends because you raised her fucking badly so her attitude is this shitty and no one wants to be her friend. If there is anything wrong with me, search your fucking self first because you are the person who raised me to be the way I am and nothing else affected me. Seriously, what the fuck does one do in a house that has nothing but television and computer and Internet connection? Okay, so we have a Wii too, but in the end you'll just fucking be like, "you've been playing the whole holiday, why don't you clean your room?" I LIKE MY ROOM FUCKING MESSY, FOR FUCK'S SAKE. This is the exact condition that I like my room to be like so that it doesn't feel like a fucking hotel, fuck. I hate the sterility that being clean brings. I like being dirty because I am dirty and it is a safety blanket for me. I feel comfortable being a little dirty, because then I don't feel so terribly naked like I do when I'm sparkling clean. I don't fucking like being alone. So stop trying to make me feel even lonelier than I already am. You don't fucking give a damn about me, leaving me at home all the time. So you fetch me to and fro tuition when I can go there myself, provided I wake up at ungodlike times like 6 fucking am. But what the hell happens on those rides? Phone calls with other people, nagging at me to clean up my fucking act, talking about YOUR life and your leftover problems from something that should've fucking ended the day you two got divorced. Stop venting your frustration on me! I have nothing to do with the fact that your ex-husband won't stop bugging you and intruding into your life. Even if he wants to look for me and he is bothering you for that, its not my fucking fault I was born as his daughter. Sometimes I feel like hanging out with him just to spite you and hurt you, but I never do. I always defend you from him, I always try to protect you so hard and I don't do things like meeting him when I know you feel like shit when I do it. I feel so fucking screwed up now because I'm all alone with no one hearing the screams I want to let out so badly right now. There's no one around to wipe my tears away but myself and the teddy bears I drown myself in because they feel like the only kind of warmth I can find for myself. They are the ones who are always there for me, unlike you, who lied to me when you said you would always support me. You are the one hurting me all the fucking time! You know why I have so many bears? To make up for that void you leave all the fucking time. It's always been like that, even since I was a baby and you were the one who told me that. You've never had time for me. You had to go back to work after I was born, so I was thrust into the hands of someone else, a substitute for you. Everything was a fucking substitute for you. Why the hell does this happen to me so much. Everything is just a fucking substitute. I never get the real thing. The love you give me is a substitute too. A substitute for the father I will and never fucking had. I feel like total shit right now. I just feel like getting into dancing shoes and running away from all this bullshit. I'm going to go sleep now with Xiaobai and Woonie. You really, really make me feel pissed off. Julle 줄레 5:53 PM
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