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Wednesday, December 16, 2009 Finally hitting my big 100 posts. The longest I've ever committed to something. I feel proud of myself for this, but I'm in a really awful mood. I think I'm going to have my period soon, which would really explain this stupid self I've been these few days. I don't know why I'm so moody and bipolar and just so easily annoyed. Everything she does just pisses me off so badly and I think I've tweeted more than a hundred times by now because I was so angry and had no other outlet to blow it off. If I could, I would turn into the Sua of my story and beat someone up. Perhaps maybe myself. I think I'll beat myself up. I hate this side of me that's broken through and suddenly taken over. The person I have tried so hard to suppress and kill, she's come back again with such a vengeance and I don't even know how she did that. I really want to strangle her to death, so I can go back to being a good younger sister, a good daughter, someone who doesn't snap at others and doesn't lose her temper so easily. Someone who was optimistic and could look at the bright side of things. This... is the real me. This side that has forced its way through all my inner walls, torn apart all those security blankets, this is who I really am. And I'm embarrassed. I'm ashamed. This 'me' who I can't control and cannot hold back anymore, she causes me to feel so humiliated. She is disgusting. Spoilt, short-tempered, demanding, unapologetic. This is the side of me I've hidden from everyone. Selfish. Really, really selfish. Self-centred. 이런 내가 찐자 싫다 I can't even begin to express the tip of the iceberg. This is barely the beginning of how dirty I feel, being like this on the inside, being like this in reality. I want to live in my fantasy forever. I want to be a good person. I want to pretend I am a good person. I don't want to be a bad person. I can't accept this part of me that is so... incorrigible. With her comes the memories I've tried so hard to forget and erase. She is the past. The past is full of things I never want to see again, never want to bring forth again. Everything that has already happened in my life, if I could, I would take it all away right now. Insecure, self-centred, self-absorbed me. It isn't a wonder that no one likes me. It isn't a wonder that no one befriends me. It isn't a wonder that I make even my own family members dislike me. Right now, I feel really lost. I just want to cry so badly. I feel so weak. Who the hell am I anymore? Identity crisis, I guess you could call this an identity crisis. I wished this was mistaken identity. I want to believe that this isn't who I really am, that I'm just too paranoid, that I focus too much on my flaws. But that isn't true. I'm almost so sure that I really am like this. When I stare in the mirror, I see a girl who is so ugly, it is so hard to look at her. When I see past the superficial, when I dig into her, those smiles seem so ugly. I can't believe that she still has people who love her. It just seems like a miracle. I hate myself so much. 난 지금 부터 어떻게? The conclusion to this post, I guess I'll write it another time. When I'll post it, I don't know. But I want to look forward to the day when I can finally love myself and stop wincing whenever I look at myself, stop frowning, stop crying. I want to find that day when I'll be able to look at myself and see an improved version of myself. Until then, I'll keep trying to change this stubborn self. I'll kill that girl that I hate so much and be reborn. Re-featuring because, 난 찐자 잘못했니 (What a stupid 100th post post. :/) Julle 줄레 11:55 PM
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