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Sunday, December 20, 2009 I noticed the mainly title my posts by the song I'm listening to at the moment, if not then the lyrics that are in the song. I'm not a very creative person. :/ I just read the full interview with SHINee from Dazed and Confused Korea, which I'm assuming is some sort of fashion magazine. It was a little incoherent and I didn't understand some bits (maybe because I'm the incoherent one right now. I'm really sleepy for some random reason) but it was on the whole, a very intriguing and impressive interview. I didn't know the SHINee members had so much depth to them, but then again, they are human beings like you and me, so I really shouldn't be so surprised. In any case, I learned a bit more about them. I also realized that I want to be as mature as they are too. They don't think like most teenagers who are only concerned about themselves (maybe just Singaporean teenagers). They think like responsible people who are taking charge of their own lives. I liked that the most out of the whole interview. I'm at an age now when everyone tells me I'll be rebelling, emotional and pretty much a wreck. I know it can't really be helped when my hormones just work the way they do, but I really don't want that to happen. I want to be able to behave responsibly and maturely, despite the fact that I'm not at the age when people expect me to do so. While I want to enjoy my adolescence, right now, at this moment, I don't want to cause trouble for the people around me. I don't want to make my mom upset, although I think if she read my previous post about her she would be. I have no proper excuse as to why I got so annoyed and I still don't understand why, although I have a feeling it might be my hormones or just because I'm so bad-tempered. I want to be able to think through things clearly before I do silly things like immortalizing impulsive and rash thoughts on the Internet. As much as I regretted that post (I don't even want to read it now), I don't want to remove it either. I want to be someone who sticks to what I said and take responsibility for them. I don't want to be a coward who hides what they regret under a carpet. I don't want to be that kind of person. I guess I should apologize to my mom and do something to make up for it, but I know I might hurt her again in the near future. I don't want to keep apologizing to her, because then it might slowly become something insincere. I'm really scratching my head over what I should do. I hope that I can grow up soon mentally so that I can say the right words and think of the right thoughts. I read a quote once (although this may not be an absolutely accurate copy, but this is the rough idea of the quote): "To be human and to connect with the ones around you is to hurt them and let them hurt you." I don't want that kind of thing. I want to be human and connect with the ones around me without having to hurt them. I want to understand my family and the precious few friends I have without hurting them. I want to be generous and be willing to be hurt by them, but I can't say that. I don't want to feel anguish and sorrow ever again. The emptiness that burrowed so deeply within me, like a bullet lodged in some part of me that is hard to remove, still causes aches. I'm still fragile and delicate from the previous damage that was caused to me. I don't think I have or will ever realize just how large the impact is because I can't look at myself in that way, but I know it affects me even till now. Even when I don't want to admit. I guess the only good thing about growing up is just becoming more mature and aware of such things. Hmm... pointless post, but this might seem like I want to grow up faster (like age faster). I think I just want to become more mentally mature, is all. Let's live life without regrets and smile always. I want to be able to live that kind of life. Someone, please take my hand and teach me, lead my way. I think my greatest flaws are my low self-confidence, low self-esteem and my laziness. The Big Three in my life that are holding me back. I have to really get rid of all these things. Julle Kim 파이팅! Julle 줄레 11:31 PM
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