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Wednesday, October 21, 2009 I was disappointed too, don't act like I wasn't. It felt as if I'd fallen from an infinite amount of stories high, My English, that had always gotten As, that had been always so good. It'd fallen to a B now. And you keep fucking rubbing it into my face. Now you want to go crazy just like he did. Go crazy then. Go, because I don't want to stop you. I'm much too tired, too hurt, too disappointed, too upset with myself, to bother about you. And it wasn't just English, Geography, for which I worked so hard, I failed to get an A, you... you wouldn't understand. You wouldn't understand this anger, this feeling of wanting to rip your heart out. Just because you disappointed yourself. For Chinese that I knew I'd do badly in, I'd been wishing for some strange miracle, so that I would be able to do well. While it hadn't been so bad, it still hurt to have a B printed anywhere on my record. Then I got an A1 for Literature and History, and I was soaring so happily, a relief from the gloom of the other subjects, but you just wouldn't be happy. Just couldn't think of these two subjects that I'd always been strong at. There were my true strengths that had not collapsed under your pressure, even if they had fallen from their original quality. They had escaped your crushing expectations of me. They'd escaped my own unrealistic desires of myself, which all of you had implanted in me! I can vaguely remember my other subjects, I failed my Home Economics theory, but thanks to my practical, I'd managed to scrap a C5 for that, and I think my Art went along the same route, or I probably got a D7 for that. For my Sciences, I think I might have managed an A, I don't know anymore, because all those other imperfections, they swarmed in my head. Made it so hard to focus on the good things, because all of you. I had been most upset of disappointing all of you, but I'd hoped all of you would understand, would understand that you'd all just pushed me too hard. But no. You guys didn't understand, not like how I wished you all would. I'd relied on you, my family, to provide me support, when everything had crushed into dust beneath me. But you guys were adding simply more weight. I had to run. Had to run from all of you, to find comfort, to find a semblance of support from strangers. People I didn't even know well. I don't know which disappointment was greater. Julle 줄레 11:39 AM
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