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Monday, August 10, 2009 I realized how much I rely on my mom, I take her for granted a lot, and for that I really regret. What if I wake up one morning to find that she's gone? I don't want that to ever happen to me, but its irrevocable and inevitable and it will happen. It has to happen because if it doesn't, someone is still gonna take her away. I selfishly want to go first, sometimes, before my mother does. I don't care about not having children, or not getting married. I just don't want to be the one to see her go. Growing up with her by my side, it has never dawned on me, how much of a permanent fixture she is to me. I've missed her a lot at camps, the one time I went to Japan alone, but I have never really concluded why. Watching Jack Neo's movie, with one about filial piety, has struck a cord within me. It reminded me that my mother is not immortal, she will age, she will have to pass on before I do. It seems strange to think of life without Mom. I will miss her hugs and her warmth, the way she always worries about me, even when I wish she would stop. Sometimes I get angry with her, because she doesn't always act the way I wish she would. She still talks about Daddy, she still gets agitated about the same issue, she still raises her voice unconsciously. These little things affect me more than I admit, more than I will ever let anyone know verbally. It makes me wish sometimes that Dad didn't hurt her. I feel the injustice of her situation, and although I want her to let go, I want him to repent and suffer for all he put her through. It is unfair that he should be living a good life now, when she is suffering. They suffered together and now he is being an ingrate, reaping what she had sown with another woman. I hope he knows what he left behind, I hope he realizes what he's lost, because the one who will regret won't be her, won't be us. It'll definitely be him. Lord, I pray that through Your grace, You will keep her safe and sound. Protect her and give me the strength to do so. Give me the wisdom so that I can think before I act, so that I won't have to hurt her more. Lord, please take good care of my mother. ★, Julle 줄레 6:29 AM
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