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Monday, August 3, 2009 힘들죠? 힘들죠. I'm so exhausted. I really praise my classmates of 6 Joy '07. Well, those who had good grades anyway. How is it physically possible to maintain everything? Or maybe it's just me, since I'm more accustomed to laziness. I think living a life like this, despite bringing some form of happiness, is more troublesome than not. Yet I strive to bring a smile to her face, try to keep my tongue in check, try to make it easier for her live. I feel like I've begun to live for someone else. I feel like I've lost my dream, because it seems I'm so disconnected. It feels heartbreaking to have that part of you torn. I'm almost unwilling to let it go, even though its already gone. Am I clutching onto hopelessness? I'm a ghost of who I was before, in a mental, emotional and psychological sense. I don't know if I should be glad, that it hasn't taken its toll on my physical self. I don't want to make her worry, but at the same time its hard. It's so much harder now than before. My life is falling apart as it pieces itself together. It seems I don't have enough glue for every aspect of my life, it always seems that one part has to lack for me to succeed in the rest. Why can't I have a nice well-rounded life? Mental breakdowns are plentiful suddenly, and I can't help but release stress in the form of tears. Crying is the easiest way out, because my screams are in vain and are silent. Nothing else can vent these frustrations. I always knew they were there, their presences were irrevocable and untenably suffocating. They had a gentle vice-like grip on my neck. But despite knowing that they were there, the long periods of absence, are enough to make me wonder if it was merely a dream. Enough to make me doubt my very own existence. Even though I just saw them last night, I miss my sisters terribly. I want to give them hugs. I want them to stay close to me and never leave, and again the tears creep into my eyes. I don't understand these feelings of insecurity. I want to envelop someone into a hug so badly. Perhaps its the terrible loneliness I feel inside. ★,
Julle 줄레 10:50 PM
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