epilogue

Monday, August 17, 2009

I realized today that I have friends.

I do have friends.

Whoa.

I mean, it's not like I didn't have friends before.

I had Hillary, Lisabelle, Cheryl (sort of),

but I never thought that I had friends out of our small ring.

I thought everyone else just spoke to me just out of civility,

I never thought of them as really friends who I could rely on.

Today, walking out of school with my mom,

I saw how many friends I actually had.

They asked if I was okay,

how I was and crap,

were just friendly in general,

and were extremely polite to my mom.

They didn't embarrass me as classmates,

and they sounded like they genuinely cared,

even though I harboured doubt in my heart,

as I've done ever since that large scar was dug.

With my notice, I mistrusted people more than I knew

and I thought this was only natural, human nature.

How wrong have I been?

And for how long?

God helped me pull out of this shell I've hidden in,

afraid of being hurt again and afraid of accepting others.

And now I can really see how much,

even if its only on a somewhat superficial level,

people do care about me.

And the people who I thought cared the most,

or the person at least,

she didn't really seem to care at all.

I understand that you're anger,

thought to what extent I'm not sure,

I would be annoyed too,

but never to this extent,

not over such a thing like this,

not if you had reasons.

You may find mine invalid,

but I'm sorry I can't come up with better.

And I thought you truly cared for me,

was the inkling of light in darkness,

but it seems you were the darkness,

blocking out my light this whole time.

I don't know what to think of us now,

now that things are being seen from a different perspective.

Do you still even care anymore?

Or is this just skipping school in your eyes,

because I'm too lazy to be strong?

What are you thinking anymore?

What have you ever thought of?

I fear that I never ever really knew you.

And till this day, you've not assuaged these fears.

Tell me, please, stop keeping me away from you.

Why do you have to fear?

Why do you have to fear and want to run away,

when your life is fine as it is?

Perhaps you are the person I want to leave,

the one I never wanted to be with.

My life now is good and I can't complain,

even with a tainted history I've emerged with as much strength as I could,

how is it that you cannot?

I can't smile when I think of our fond memories,

was our relationship simply a paradigm?

Tell me.

말해봐!

★,
Julle 줄레

10:49 PM